Dreading Monday – Mariana

This post is late. It’s been on my to-do list for close to a month, but I haven’t had any idea of what to write. I still don’t, not really, I’m hoping that I’ll find the words as I write them.

Today is the eve of a new year. I’m usually one of those people that makes resolutions that gets pumped about what’s in store, but to be honest right now I’m just dreading the idea of Monday.

Guess I should be glad I’m living more in the present.
A year of service in itself is difficult your boundaries are constantly being tested. You are confronted not only with things you hadn’t realized about yourself, but also you have to deal with some really difficult and uncomfortable issues facing people you come to realize are a lot like you. They were just were born in a different zip code.

This year has been uncommonly difficult for me.  If it wasn’t for the community of Colorado Episcopal Service Corps I wonder if I would have bothered to stay.

My service site continues to be a struggle. Not because of the high turnover rate common of nonprofits, or the difficulties that comes with working with a population battling trauma but because it was not what I had expected.

I had expected to learn more about working with youth in an organization that has been implementing trauma informed care in their programming for years. Instead it feels like I spend quite a bit of time nagging people to do their chores and policing young adults in addition  to cleaning a space that I honestly think will never be clean again unless it’s teared down and rebuilt.

In choosing my service site I chose a field I love, but was comfortable with. And now I think maybe I should have chosen something wholly different, just something way outside my comfort zone.

I’m not being challenged in ways I thought I would be and frankly it sucks.
And I still have 6 months to go.
And unfortunately I am sure my negative energy is felt not just by myself, but others at my site, and the youth too.

I want to enjoy my service and the relationships I’m building with the youth I’m serving. I really do. And maybe I just need to get over myself. Yeah I have a ton of experience working with under served populations of youth but I’m starting to get that that’s not what my site needs.

Which of course sucks for me and my expectations, but maybe that’s the lesson I’m suppose to learn this year.

So here I am midway through my 3rd service year on the cusp of a new year and I’m dreading Monday instead of anticipating all the great things a new year might bring.

And I still have 6 months to go…

At least though the other part of this year, living in community with other young people and God, is really life giving.

And also the mountains.

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