Letting Go – Erin Lammott

The other night I wanted to play soccer. I haven’t found a team yet, but wanted to kick around so my roommate said she would go to the park with me. We ended up being there until dark; we sat in the park and discussed our next move for the {Friday} evening – which we decided was going home to make a pizza and chill. Our conversation turned to talking about how we didn’t have plans for the weekend and felt bummed that we didn’t have plans or friends with who we could even make plans. As we were pulling out of the park, we saw a bunch of glow sticks. Curious about them, we convinced ourselves to turn the car around and go investigate. We yelled out of my car to two people to ask what they were doing. It was Queer Glow-in-the-dark Kickball. They invited us to join, we debated, and then suited up in glowsticks to play kickball with the strangers. The group was so fun- inclusive of us, super supportive during the game, shared their beer with us, and able to laugh at themselves at the bad loss. Then they invited us out to a local gay bar where there would be post-game flip-cup. After noting how {bad} we looked – hair in pony tails, tennis shoes, chacos, sweat from the soccer, little to zero make-up, exercise clothes – we agreed to go to the bar with them. We had so much fun getting to know our new friends, playing games, dancing, and of course – eating the obligatory post-beer pizza. It felt like such a free and laughable night. It dawned on us- that series of events wouldn’t have happened if we would have had plans. For me, this was a beautiful night because, yes it was fun. More so though, because of the community that was found and how I felt connected to and supported by other humans. Who knows, I might never see those people again. For a night though, we had friends. This group was actually mostly new friends to each other too. They hadn’t known each other for long. For a night though, these seven different people, with seven different stories, and probably many different desires, got to be themselves with other people. Kissing who they want to kiss (with permission), dancing how they want to dance, laughing when they want to laugh, wearing what they want, showing up how they are.

I think part of why I loved this night is because it was Beyond Imagination. When I picture the plan I had for my life, this wasn’t a part of it. I was supposed to be married by 26; I’m 25 so that means I should be well on my way to settled down. Not doing these kind of things. There is a lot of uncertainty right now. There’s a lot of unknown space. A lot of discomfort in the unknown and a lot of uncomfortable scenes in this singular life. How crazy cool is this though? I couldn’t have planned it. So here’s to letting go. Letting go of my plans- from the design for my life down to the design for this Friday night. Letting go of the expectations of what relationship is. Maybe it’s not married for me, maybe its roommates who play in the park and strangers who invite you to join. Letting go of judgement – of people who have likely experienced exclusion in this world and who were so inclusive of us. Letting go of judgement – of these two straight girls who look a mess and look to strangers for friendship. Letting go of judgement of myself – of how many friends I should have, or how I should have had the foresight to make plans for the evening, or of how I should look when I go out to bar.

I’ve been thinking that a lot of pain in the world seems to come from defensiveness and clinging to ideas (to protect perceived safety & security). I just wonder if this is what happens when we’re more open and open to not having it all right? Freeeeeedddommmm. Now that’s something worth glowing about.

Glow - Erin Olivia- Oct 17

 

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